ALL BY OURSELVES: HOW TO COPE WITH LONELINESS

Many seniors experience loneliness, which can lead to depression, a lack of interest, and a lack of purpose and meaning in life. Image credit: *MARY BLACKWEY* on Unsplash.

By CHANDRAKANT SHAH, MD

Hello Ji! in the January issue of Desi News was about loneliness in our society and identified women, teenagers, and newcomers to Canada as vulnerable groups.

However, it unintentionally left out seniors as one of the most vulnerable group that is also affected by loneliness. As an 87-year-old senior, I thought I would share my views on how to cope with loneliness during our twilight years.

South Asian seniors are not a homogeneous group. Some have migrated as young adults, worked their entire lives, accumulated significant wealth, and have private pension plans above and beyond their Canada Pension Plan.

Others have come to Canada as parents or grandparents in their sixties, sponsored by their children, without much financial resources, language proficiency, and knowledge about Canadian society and the healthcare system. Long, harsh and cold Canadian winters keep the elderly shut in their homes. Despite their differences, both groups commonly experience loneliness, which can lead to depression, a lack of interest, and a lack of purpose and meaning in life.

To reduce loneliness, I have the following suggestions:

First and foremost, it is essential to reduce your attachment and expectations from your immediate family members and friends.

For instance, if you expect your children to call you every day, and they are unable to call due to other commitments, it may make you unhappy. By having this unrealistic expectation, you have given control of your happiness to your children. But if you hear from her/him in the absence of expectations, you will feel happy. Similarly, if you are attached to your grandchildren and they do not visit frequently, do not be unhappy. Expectations generally lead to giving up control of your happiness to others. Our South Asian culture and religions teach us to reduce our attachment to so-called “worldly things” in old age, so it’s best to practice it.

Mahatma Gandhi recited the song *Vaishnava Jana To* every evening in his prayer session. It captures the essence or quality of what it means to be a spiritual person. Image credit: *RUPIXEN.COM* on Unsplash.

Be spiritual! Many of us learn our spirituality through our religions, but being religious does not necessarily make one spiritual unless our behaviour reflects it. Many of us are what I call “ritualistic religious” – that is, we perform rituals, maybe go to the temple, mosque, or gurudwara, or fast or pray frequently. Mahatma Gandhi recited the song Vaishnava Jana To by the great devotee and Gujarati poet Narasimha Mehta every evening in his prayer session. It captures the essence or quality of what it means to be a spiritual person.

The translation, from LyricsCage:

One who is a Vaishnav,

knows the pain of others,

does good to others,

without letting pride enter his mind.

A Vaishnav tolerates

and praises the entire world,

does not speak ill of others,

keeps his promises, actions

and thoughts pure.

Your mother is blessed indeed.

A Vaishnav sees everything equally,

rejects greed and desire,

respects women

as he respects his own mother.

Though his tongue may tire

He will utter no untruth,

never touches the property of others.

A Vaishnav does not succumb

to worldly attachments,

he has renounced lust

of all types and anger.

The poet Narsi would like to see

such a person by whose virtue,

the entire family gets salvation.

Who has no greed

and is not deceitful,

who has renounced lust and anger,

the poet Narsi would like to see

such a person by whose virtue

his entire family gets salvation.

Vaishnav: Devotee of Vishnu or the Creator you believe in.

Attend places of worship (temple, mosque, church, gurudwara etc.), nearby community centers with seniors’ programs, join card-playing groups or walking groups. Individuals who do not drive may take public transportation with a seniors’ discount or subsidized transportation help (like TransHelp in Mississauga) available in most cities or ask one of your friends/family members who is willing to drive to your destination. Taxi and Uber services are also alternatives. Many religious institutions and non-profit senior organizations have weekly, biweekly or monthly programs for seniors; some of them provide transportation and a wonderful snack and meal. Join them.

Learn to use technology like computers and explore the internet. For example, YouTube has wonderful collections of comedy, drama, bhajans in different languages, movie songs and old Indian movies. Also, learn to use streaming services such as Netflix that provide movies in your chosen languages, documentaries and serials to occupy your mind for hours. If you are not familiar with these services, ask your children and grandchildren how to access them. Many senior groups also provide friendly introductory courses in the use of technology. Learn to use smartphones to do video calls or Zoom meetings.

Also, invite your friends and relatives to your home for lunch or tea. I prefer lunches as your guest is likely to stay for a longer period! Make a simple lunch so you are not stressed. Do not invite more than one couple at a time, so you can have quality time and different visitors over time. The purpose of this lunch is to get together and have a good time and not get into exhibiting your culinary expertise. Do not make this about being invited back by your guest – you are doing this primarily to reduce your loneliness.

In summary, take control of your social connectedness, and avoid loneliness. Believe in the old Indian dictum: Vasudhaiva kutumbakam, meaning all the world is your family.

You do not have to be lonely unless you choose so!

SENIOR MOMENT

ALL BY OURSELVES: HOW TO COPE WITH LONELINESS